For the past week, I have been manic. No surprise there. I have bipolar disorder. But, here’s the thing. One of the symptoms I am trying to work on is emotional reactivity during my manic phases. What do I specifically mean by this? Well, the problem that sticks out the most to me is my reaction to people on the internet when they are wrong.
People say a lot of ignorant things. No surprise there. For example, some male recently suggested to me that I have no reason to resent my extended family for abandoning my family to live in poverty alone and unsupported…because
“It’s just reality… in the old days, you would’ve been dead, period, and it wouldn’t have been anyone’s fault.”
Interestingly, when I am depressed — or gasp, even emotionally in balance, I just say, “Dumbass” to myself, and move on. Not so when I am manic. My sensitivity to sociopathy, cruelty, idiocy, and lack of empathy for other human beings goes through the roof. There’s not much that trips me up, but a cluster of various beliefs really boil my blood. I can’t let go. A day will pass. Two. I will try to ignore the feelings brewing inside me (mostly anger), but they balloon until they burst. Pretty soon, there I go, spilling venom all over the pixels on my screen.
People who know me in person know me as sweet, docile, and even a bit passive. A huge smile always pasted on my face. I’ve shocked more than one friend with a comment I’ve made on Facebook during a manic phase. They can’t believe I could get so angry. If you really know me well, though, you know I can be very quick-tempered when manic, including being prone to going into rages.
I’m working on it. I’m meditating and learning all this new mindfulness madness that is sweeping the nation. Hopefully, people won’t be able to trigger me with their remarks every time mania hits (which is overall not such a bad thing for me and it doesn’t happen often enough). If we like each other, and I flew off the handle at you on a rare occasion, I’m sorry. Anyone else? Well, I am still manic. You probably said something awful. So, you can bite me.